Well. We are your new editors. What are you going to do about it? Read the paper now? We understand that with our financially abused public education system, many of you have only this year been introduced to this concept of “reading”. Matt only recently acquired letter comprehension from the dented tins of alphagetti that he steals from the basket at the back of No Frills. And he (almost) has a Degree in Writing!
Representation has been a clear part of our platform, so in the interests of general inclusion we have decided to highlight the long understated, variable, and multifunctional aspects of Arthur (and the entire newspaper medium). Progressive students in the fall of 2012 will be seen around campus beating each other silly with rolled up journalism, wearing handcrafted pirate hats and having picnics with blankets that double as handy napkins! Janitorial staff will find that Arthur is extra absorbent, an attribute with the potential to save thousands in disposable cleaning products! 9 out of 10 industry professionals agree that Arthur may have enough nutritional content to suitably replace expensive Aramark meal plans!
Ontario government cutting your academic grants? Can’t afford those winter woolies? Stuff your suit with balled up Arthur, rated to almost -36’! Having trouble finding affordable student housing? Highly flammable Arthur will make an excellent addition to torch lit raids on local MP Dean Del Mastro’s used R.V. lot! All of this for the low price of FREE. As an added bonus, weekly updates on sports, business, science, academics, politics, and art! Wow! Special only for 2012/2013, Arthur will be presented in 3D! So real it’s like you could just reach out and touch it!
Ok, ok, ok.That’s all well and good but this is serious business, right? Right. Ahem. Do you realize that we print like 3000 of these things? Think of the size of the paper mache mastodon we could construct! Majestically trumpeting from the Champlain Quad over the Otonabee river! Arts and crafts are the hallmarks of community!
We know you may not be thinking of September already, as we’ve all got our summer blinders on, but Arthur is going to be coming back with bang! We’ve debated about whether to let all you readers in on Arthur’s plan for Volume 47 or not… The major pro being that it’s going to generate a lot of hype (or not), and the devastating con being that it might out us as promise-breakers. Yikes. Perhaps we should make some bold claims though. Okay? Okay. That wasn’t very bold.
ARTHUR’S PLANS:
– use TWICE the AMOUNT of caps
– include daily tweets about yesterday’s weather
– more coverage of robot wars
– more CATS (sorry dog-lovers, but how could we possibly accommodate two crowds in one paper?)
– transcriptions of bathroom conversations
– cigarette label-esque warnings, including the pictures
– lists of shampoo ingredients (in case you happen to be reading this on the toilet)
– volcano science project manuals
– useless cut-out coupons
– an up-to-date list of #TrentUProblems
– more pretentious references, less communal interests, and an overuse of sarcasm!
All with the aim of being a nutritious source of zzz…ink!
When we say we want Arthur to be a presence, we mean we want to be in your lives, and other lives; in fact, we want to be in as many lives as possible. Right now, Arthur is the source of a lot of conversation and even those who do not like it must accept this fact. In September, this conversation is going to spread, diversify, and become a consistent presence around the Trent and Peterborough communities. To those who think Arthur is trash: you are mistaken! It is actually recycling! Arthur is going to keep renewing itself as a new paper every year. And so, this September, when you come to face your fears of the unpredictable yet predictable news source and pick up Arthur Newspaper, or when you click on a mysterious link that your friend posted to Facebook and come to be redirected to a mysterious website that seems to personify itself as the bearer of social action, conversation, and cats, you will see that Arthur is going to get a stylish new haircut.
